By Catherine Portland

Meeting the parents is A Big Deal, whichever way you look at it.

On balance, most people seem to rub along reasonably well with their in-laws, so they are not likely to hate you.

But if they do, it can be make or break - for your relationship or your loved one's family.

I've been fairly lucky with my parent experiences. All of the men who've liked me enough to take me home to see more than their bed have had nice, charming parents who've claimed to like me and given me no reason to disbelieve them.

In one notable instance, I actually cared about his parents more than him. When we, inevitably, parted company it felt a bit like I was leaving behind a favourite auntie.

The man I'm currently dating has fiercely intellectual parents which, given I'm more into celebrity magazines and nights in front of the telly than opera or theatre, worried me a little.

But we've reached a happy equilibrium thanks to a combination of my capacity to bullshit and their affability.

Like dating, a lot comes down to compromise. One lad I was dating had mildly rightwing parents. Initially, I found it impossible to bite my tongue, expressing my shock and complete disagreement in polite but firm terms. However, I soon learned that it was more about provocation than deep conviction, particularly for the mum. They railed against immigration but adored the Sudanese little girl who liked to pet their cocker spaniel.

Sometimes, though, conflict is inevitable.

The problem is, of course, that parents have free rein to tell their offspring exactly what they think of their new partner. As far as they're concerned, it pays to be brutally honest - they don't want the little darling to be stuck with an emotional retard/bum with no prospects/neurotic screwball for the rest of his or her days.

Which makes perfect sense and also renders a level playing field an impossible dream.

Criticising your partner's parents, or loved ones in general, is completely unacceptable unless they haven't spoken to them in years, or they have done something incredibly vicious, usually criminal. Otherwise, offence is almost inevitable.

However much they love you, however sure you are that he or she is 'The One', however wonderful everything is, the parental bond has a power of its own which makes betrayal on their part routine but despicable from any other quarter.

Therefore, if you've got beef you can't let go of, you have to be decorously direct, without labouring the point.

Then you will have your partner's respect and maybe, just maybe, their parents'.